And still, here I am, standing in the force of 10,000 winds.

I’m surprised my greatness hasn’t scorched the first 8 rows in this packed auditorium.


Oh please hold the applause - you are far too kind.


The velvet curtains roll back and I make my appearance in force. The orchestra plays quietly the score of my shortly lived life, and here you stand. A standing ovation in this packed auditorium and I have not yet spoken. Oh the cheering warms my heart, dear readers, but please, save it for later. You may be seated.


It is nice seeing you all here tonight. Some of you spent quite a fair splash of cash on those outfits you are wearing. I appreciate your purchase young ones. Five golden coins must have been a burner to your pockets in this devastating depression. But not to fear, I intend to entertain. I can see the anticipation on your constipated-like faces. Show no doubt, tonight is going to be a memorable evening. Champagne is on the house. The ZoOm stands before you today, but for the duration of this event you shall refer to me as the ULTRA.


Now I am going to show you many things dear readers. Some things may soothe you, some may shock, but these few pages lay not with the fainthearted.


This book shall forever remain priceless in the treasure chest of the greats. This book shall be a landmark and turning point of youth culture in this world today. Those in times ahead will look back and say ‘this is the book that brought forth the revolution’. This book shall bring change, and not ‘presidential’ change neither; I am talking about real change. This would not be read in your English classes… no, dear readers. This book would have its very own curriculum. This book will infiltrate even the hardest of hearts. What you hold in your hands, dear readers, is a

thirty-first century classic.


I came in here with no purple robes but my birth was majestic. Where are my trumpets!? We can trace my greatness all the way back to ‘91. This is when daddy-dear met mummy-dear. I will keep things blunt. Something happened of which I share no detail - but in that split second, 250 million sperms cells were dispersed in an instant. Ewww! Cover your eyes

children! Wake up Margret! Everybody stay calm! Don’t Panic!


And there I was, in a race with over 250 million other people. There were small ones and great ones, big and bossy ones, blacks and blues, tiny and scrawny ones. There were fast and paced, there were slows and dims, there were ones with arms and legs, some things with fins. There were many different cells, swimming to the womb, but all these slow Joes show no match for ZoOm. I flew past the first thousand, but that wasn’t enough. I zoomed past 2 million, left them eating my dust. I brushed past 10 million, I’m still falling behind, so I flew past 50 mill more, I’m running on time. Now the last one million was the hardest of hustles. These ones were protein filled - their muscles had muscles. We fought on our way down, our egos kept clashing, but I didn’t hit their face because they looked rather dashing. I swam a bit faster, more harder I tried; these cells where good looking but none smarter than I. 10 thousand 20 thousand 30 thousand, 50. Swimming past them all, I’m doing quite nifty. 60 thousand, 70 thousand, 80 thousand and 9; closer to the light, now it’s my time to shine.


Now I’m seeing the womb, I’m heading to base. If I keep up the pace I can be third place. But between the third place and first, the womb I’ll choose, because ‘third place’ just means you was the quickest to lose. So I swim a bit faster cause I’m getting this life - no one deserves living greater than I. But it seems for a second I was beat to the job by a cell name Paul, and a cell named Bob. Now Paul and Bob were interesting chaps. With their heads did they smack, mum’s egg to snap. One boasted immensely and one kept smiling with glee. I thought ‘these losers are nothing like me!’. So I grabbed them by their tails, with strength did I grip. ‘EXECUTION’ I cried, their heads did I snip. I hit against the womb until the front door was torn. Nine months later, a legend was born.


We are the best of our kind ladies and gentlemen. There was probably a prettier version of us. There could have been a smarter version too…but they lost. I was destined to be here - no miscalculation involved. So mind me if I boast in my importance - It’s not my fault I’m a winner.


I wasn’t placed on this earth to be the same as them. Singing the same songs, saying the same things, dining at the same table. I was not created to be an ordinary chap.


I did not swim past 250 million sperm cells to be born, yet to die a normal death. My normal companions would cry a normal cry. I would be placed in a normal coffin - the sweet ending to a normal story.


...And the world would keep turning normally. How boring is this?


I was not given eyes to glue it to a TV screen, but to observe the times that lay before me. I inherited a mouth, not to whisper, but to shout the truth from the mountain top. A heart was prescribed, not just for mere blood circulation, but also to live this life with the upmost passion. Each heart beat pounds on my internal drum. The old ticker keeps ticking and I take each day as it comes to make the world a more ULTRA inhabitation.


And here we stand, the chief architects of our

creativity. The aura in this venue verges beyond

atmospheric. Welcome to the greatest show on earth. Never again will your eyes witness anything quite like this. So we take every moment as it comes. Entangle yourself in every sentence. Engage yourself in every chapter; because never in history has a superhero written an autobiography quite like this. Let the music continue. Let the story begin.